Really one month...

Almost a smile!

She's so big!

She's one month old!
Thanks to Jenna for the correction. Today is Madalyn's one month birthday, not Sunday. That was her 4 week birthday. So today she is officially one month old. And what a busy day she had... we went to Lowes yet again to buy the "big stuff" for our house. She loves her Baby Bjorn when Mommy wears it... she just rests her head on my chest and naps while we shop. We ordered all the wood and drywall to replace the walls that we knocked down, as well as 2 kitchen cabinents. We cant afford to do the entire kitchen yet, so we bought the base for the sink and the corner, which has a built in lazy susan which makes it very useful for storing appliances and baking dishes. Just those were almost $400! They are white and will look great when they countertop is done (we are using a deep blue tile with white grout) We also bought our trim for around the baseboards in Madalyn's room and the office. It was an expensive day, but I am really looking forward to seeing it all put together.

Nana Swanson babysat again yesterday so I could work on the office a little bit.... the walls are finished except for one part where the drywall will be replaced. Ben and Shawn are finishing the plumbing there tonight, and when the wood and drywall is delivered we should be able to start moving a little faster.

One month ago today....

It is so hard to believe that one month ago today our little angel was born. This month has passed so quickly, and as my mom is so quick to remind me that all fly by like this. Madalyn has grown up so much in this past month. Now she is able to look at us and recognize who we are and will smile and coo at us. It is the most amazing feeling to be able to hold her in my arms and know that she is my flesh and blood.

Madalyn has many hours of being awake, and is so scared to miss anything. She really only likes her crib at night, probably because during the day Mommy and Daddy are up and doing stuff and she is missing out. She will nap in her swing quite happily and often opens her eyes to peek and make sure we are still here. Its funny because I am the magic "OFF" button... no matter why she is crying if I pick her up she will burrow her head into my shoulder and the cries will immediately turn to wimpers. She is such a Mama's girl (just like me) We have a great time together. I never expected that motherhood would come this naturally for me, but it seems to be the thing that I was put on Earth to do.

This past two weeks we spent traveling... Mom and Dad's for ten days, and then to Jenna's house on our way back home. Savannah seemed very interested in her "baby" and liked to share all of her toys with her, even though Madalyn didnt seem too interested.

Today we weighed her... right after she ate so it wasnt accurate... but she weighed 10 3/4 pounds. So she is most likely about 10 1/4 pounds... what a big girl! She probably grew at least an inch while we were out of town.... she actually outgrew several of her pairs of pyjamas.

Nana and Papa Swanson babysat her for three hours today while we went to the house and did some work. I had to stop myself from wanting to keep calling to check up on her! Turns out we hadnt even pulled out of the driveway before she spit up all over Nana. They gave her 2 bottles of breastmilk I had pumped and she took them like a champ. But she cried the entire time we were gone.... luckily they love her or she might have scared off her babysitters! (Maybe that was her intent... so Mommy and Daddy wouldnt leave anymore!) When we got home she wouldnt let me put her down until about an hour ago when she finally fell asleep and could go in her crib. Its ten at night... so I had to do my homework while holding her. She didnt even want her Daddy... how in the world am I going to be able to leave her to go back to work? :)

I have at least 4 more weeks of mandatory maternity leave before my doctor will let me go back to work.
More updates later....

3 Weeks Old

Home

There is something so refreshing about the familiarness of home. I realized that tonight as we sat outside and Shawn swam in the pool... and I caught a whiff of the same scent of night blooming flowers that I have been smelling for the past 18 years. And it reminded me of all of the nights before now that I have enjoyed the serenity of a night outside on our dock. The windows of the houses across the lake still make the same patterns on the still water. And the sound of the crickets and the occasional fish jumping are now the same. I love being home.... and I love it even more now that we are able to come here with our daughter.

We came home last Monday to stay for a few days, and that has turned into a week... and we are stil here. It is nice, being home with Mom and Dad and relaxing. I cant remember the last time I was here this long.... and I am certian it will be quite some time before Shawn and I will both be off together to make this trip. It is nice to be able to be here, somewhere I am completely comfortable, and share this family time with Madalyn.

She turned 3 weeks old on Sunday, and what a difference from when she was born! She is so bright eyed now... and it is very apparant that she can recognize faces and voices. She will turn her head when she hears her Daddy talking and whenever I hold her and talk to her she gets the most beautiful smile on her face. It makes me melt. Earlier today we were "playing", which mostly entails me talking to her and kissing her... and she looked at me and her face lit up in the biggest smile.... it was so amazing. She is such a blessing!

Madalyn's First Bath

Well the day finally came... when Madalyn was 10 days old her umbilical cord stump fell off. This means no more sponge baths... and she is ready for her tub! I had absolutely no idea how to go about bathing her... so of course I had to call Mom and ask her for advice. I was a little worried since she HATED her sponge baths and would scream and cry the entire time. I assumed she would hate the baby bath tub as well.

Taking Mom's advice, I ran the water for her tub. Thinking I had it set so it would be filling for awhile and would overflow into the sink, I went to take Madalyn out of her clothes and wrap her in a towel. While I was doing this the tub tipped in the sink and spilled water over the edge and onto the floor. (Luckily we have tile!) I wrapped her in a towel and put her in her swing while I set up the tub. Once I had that on the counter I went and got her from the swing, only to find she had peed all over her clean towel! Luckily I had planned ahead and had several already laid out. : )

I expected screams from her when I put her in the tub... but she surprised me and LOVED her bath! Madalyn played and splashed her hands against the water (she is only 11 days old!) and never even so much as wimpered. She didnt even cry when I washed her hair, or when I washed her face and she got some water in her eyes. I was shocked at how much she seemed to love bathtime! She actually started crying when I took her OUT of the tub because she loved it so much!

Let me say something though... being a Mom is hard work! I now have an entire load of towels and wet clothes to wash because of her bath! :) But its worth it because she smells so clean and "baby soft."

I am recovering quite well from my C section... and each day I feel even better and find I can do more. I think starting tomorrow Madalyn and I are going to take some afternoon walks....

Madalyn's first week

This week was certainly a busy one for Madalyn! She got to come home from the hospital Tuesday and we tried to settle into a routine around here. She sleeps very well (about 3 hour blocks during the night!) and is an eating champ! Its amazing to see how much more "awake time" she has each day.

She got visits from her Nana and Papa Swanson, Gigi and Papa Hill, her Aunt and Uncle Jenna and Brad and Savannah and Brad's parents and his cousing Kenna after the Orange and Blue game. She also met Uncle Ben and Aunt Amber... not to mention Auntie Kristina and Auntie Megan who came to see her in the hospital. She got lots of presents as well this week, including a Vermont Teddy Bear with her name on it from Papa Hill.

My mom stayed this week with us.... and thank Goodness for that! She was able to help me recover from my C Section as well as help take care of the baby. She went home last night, so Shawn and I had our first night alone with Madalyn... and lucky for us she was only up twice so we were able to get some rest!

Madalyn is an absolute doll and we are both so in love with her! She loves to snuggle and when we can get her to open her eyes they are the most beautiful color of dark blue/green. Its hard to tell which one of us she looks like more... I have a baby picture of me at 48 hours old that you would swear was her. But then sometimes she looks more like Shawn... so we will see...

Baby's first pictures

Here are some of Madalyn's first pictures, taken at the hospital after she was born.

Madalyn Jean Swanson

She's finally here and is so beautiful!

It was a rough couple of days... starting with going in at midnight on April 7th to start my induction. I was given Cervadil to prep my cervix for delivery and I almost immediately started having contractions. At about 10 the next morning they started me on Pitocin and we expected a fairly quick delivery. Madalyn on the other hand had other plans. I got as far as 8cm and felt like I needed to push, but she wasnt low enough. That went on for about 5 or 6 hours and just before midnight on Easter Sunday my doctor decided to do a C section because I had started running a fever and her heartrate had started going up above 200 bpm, a sign of a possible infection. She was born at 1:04 am and weighed 8 pounds, 8 ounces and was 20 1/4 inches. It sounds like a big baby but she is actually quite the little peanut! She was the first baby born on Easter and got a special little Easter basket from the volunteer staff at North Florida.

They immediately took Madalyn to the Special Needs nursery for evaluation, and it wasnt until 4 am that I knew if she was okay or not. It was a horrible feeling, not knowing if she was okay... especially after they whisked her away so quickly. When I finally could go see her she had an IV and a cardiac monitor hooked up to her... scary for a new mom! Because her heartrate had been so high and she had been a little pale at birth they had kept her under the oxygen hood and were treating her for a possible infection. But the Nurse Practitioner told me that if she could nurse and keep food down they could take out the IV and she could stay with us in our room. So Madalyn and I got a crash course in breastfeeding (she is a champ at that!) and later that afternoon she was able to come into our room.

All of her bloodwork came back great and she actually was able to be discharged from North Florida before I was. My doctor let me go home yesterday because my mom was here to take care of me, so we made it home earlier than anticipated. We have been home since noon yesterday and have been settling in... I have been exhausted trying to recover from both a day of labor AND a C Section... so I havent felt up to doing much. I apologize for not returning phone calls and promise I will be calling shortly as baby and I settle into our routine.

Right now we are the luckiest people in the world. Our daughter is absolutely gorgeous and healthy and has the greatest temperment we could have asked for. All of our friends and family have been so supportive and have been taking wonderful care of us.

We will be posting more pictures as the days go on I promise!

Officially Homeowners

Well, as of about 1 this afternoon we are officially homeowners. The final signitures certainly didnt reflect as much stress went into the deal.... but its done and the house we wanted is ours. We had already been doing some work on it so we were holding our breath until the official closing... and now its done. What a big day! And Shawn has already put so much work into the place... it needs a lot more, but you can see some improvement. And its nice to have a place of our own to call home.... and something that we can benefit from.

And in about 20 minutes we are off to the hospital.... I am going to be induced and Madalyn Jean should be here sometime before Sunday we are hoping! (I am hoping for early tomorrow morning, but thats just cause I have to push her out and I want the pain over with!) So homeowners and parents in the same 24 hour period... how exciting! We are truly blessed....

38 Weeks, 4 Days

Well today I had my doctors appointment. It was certainly an experience. My doctor was actually out because he had hurt his back and I was told that I was going to see the office RN and she would check me and then I would see him next week. I told the LPN that we had said that we were going to talk about induction this week, especially since my blood pressure has been high. She said she would call the nurse midwife to come and check me and she would talk to me about induction.

Well the midwife came up and she was very nice. However, she is a midwife and a big proponent of natural childbirth (meaning no inductions and C sections unless emergencies.) She told me that there is a much higher risk of C sections with inductions and that is because sometimes the cervix isnt favorable for induction. I told her that I had been checked last week and was told I am very favorable for an induction, and we were to evaluate that today based on my blood pressure. She checked me and I was actually between 2 and 3 cm dilated and 50% effaced.... VERY favorable for induction. She said she could feel the baby's head and my bag of waters and she wouldnt be surprised if she came soon on her own because of how low her head is.

She then told me she would talk to the on call doctor about sending me to the hospital today for an induction. She called her and they talked... and the doctor said since there is a note on my chart that Dr. Muskus will be delivering me she wouldnt make that decision without talking to him. So the midwife came back and said to make another appointment (which I couldnt get until Tuesday of next week!) and to spend as much time lying on my side as possible over the next week.

I was so upset... mostly cause Im overtired from not sleeping and over emotional right now... but I was frustrated as well about this whole BP issue and them saying I need to rest and not do anything. There is so much going on that I want to help with... as well as feeling like laundry and dishes are piling up and I am suppossed to stay in bed all day! Plus if my doctor had been there, then I would have gone in for an induction. Or if I had been seeing the other doctor she would have sent me in... but they wanted him to make that decision but were going to wait until he comes back to work.

When we got home Shawn called his Aunt Michelle, our doctors wife and filled her in on what happened. Long story short.... we ended up talking to my doctor at home and he said he would call and have me put on the schedule for induction on Saturday, his next day on call. So unless she decides to come before then, we will end up going in Friday night at midnight to have Cervadil and will start Pitocin some time early Saturday morning. Looks like Madalyn will be an Easter Baby after all!

Better than a walk through!

Well yesterday was the BIG day... when we would see if the people were actually out of the house or not. I felt like we stalked them all day with drive-bys and "stretching our legs" by walking down to the corner. There was very limited activity at the house all day, so I was getting VERY worried because there was a HUGE pile of junk outside the house!

Well around 5 I had Shawn call the sellers to set up a time for our walk through today. They said they were going out of town this morning and wouldnt be back until late Tuesday.... BUT we could have the keys last night as soon as the people turned them over and could get into the house to start working. Much better than a walk through! So around 7, after my parents had gotten into town, they came by with the keys and dropped them off and were so excited for us. They said we could get started doing stuff around the house since they knew the baby was coming SOON... and that we can do the closing via mail as soon as we are ready.

The bad part of having the keys is that the people didnt clean... and that kind of falls onto us. Which we would have done anyways... but I hadnt planned on cleaning up shampoo bottles and toothbrushes and taking down the girls' stuff in their room. According to the sellers the couple split up this past month and the guy took off... and he knew he needed to have his stuff out by yesterday and never came back to get it. They have until we officially sign papers to come get their stuff... anything after that becomes ours. Which for the most part is a bunch of junk we wouldnt want.... BUT the guy apparantly is a drywaller and had a bunch of tools that he now has about 2 days to come claim or Shawn is a very lucky man! They also left a TV there, but we told the sellers if the Mom wants the TV Shawn will load it in her car for her because Im guessing the reason she didnt move it was because she couldnt lift it.

So today was a long day... woke up and had breakfast with my parents and went to Lowes... we bought a bunch of stuff for the house (Thanks Mom and Dad!) and a Sawsall for Shawn (his favorite tool so he was in heaven.) Then back to the house where Shawn got to work on the yardwork... mowing and pruning cutting down tree limbs. Then he used his new carpet knife to cut out the carpet in the baby's room and office and then he had to tear out the terrazo floors underneath which was a project in and of itself. I had to come home and resume bedrest after awhile because I was exhausted, but he worked super hard. When I went back over there later the house looked much improved.

We also picked out all of the colors of our paint and they look amazing together... cant wait to see them on our walls!

Tomorrow we have a doctors appointment in the afternoon and HOPEFULLY will be scheduling Madalyn's birthday... it would be nice to not be pregnant so I didnt feel so useless while working on the house!

I am going to put together a slide show (pregnant ladies make great photographers if nothing else) of the house BEFORE... we are planing to document the whole experience so we can look back and see how much we have accomplished. Right now it seems, at least to me, like a very overwhelming project... but it is something Shawn loves to do and he says he can do a lot of things to the house... and I trust him when he says it will be great when we are finished.

Hospital Trip #2

Well, we went back to the hospital last night. It was definitely something I didnt want to do, but I felt much better once we got everything checked out. My blood pressure was high when they discharged me Wednesday morning, and I think somehow it got overlooked. When I talked to Shawn's mother and told her how high it had been, she said they never would have discharged me from Shands. I had assumed my doctor had seen what it was and he sent me home... but then when I actually thought about it I realized it may have never been brought to his attention, especially since I was in there for nausea/vomiting. I think it kind of got lost in the shuffle. But yesterday Shawns mother checked it for me and it was high, and last night I went to the fire station and had Kristina check it and it was still high and I called her... and she said to call my doctor. This is definitely one of the times it helps to have an OB doc in the family. Shawn called him last night and he wanted me to go in to the hospital to have some labwork drawn. He said he had no idea my pressure had been high when I had been in Wednesday and he would have never sent me home with it being elevated.

So back to the hospital. They had me lay on my left side and took my pressure like that and it was much lower. I told the nurse I felt like a broken car at the mechanic when my pressure was not too high. The reason it had come down so much was because I was laying in bed on my side and the weight of the baby was off of my blood vessels. I got up to use the bathroom and took my blood pressure sitting up, and it was elevated. My bloodwork came back okay... but I was sent home and told to "take it easy" all weekend. I see the doctor Monday afternoon. If I hadnt already gone on maternity leave he would have made me at this point, so I am glad that all of my paperwork was done last week and I didnt have to worry about doing that today!

So who knows what he will say Monday... I hope he doesnt plan on keeping me on bedrest for the next 2 weeks! He had mentioned induction at 39 weeks.... so maybe Monday he will at least schedule me. Though when we went in last night I kept thinking "we cant have her tonight.... Im so not ready to be a mom!" It made everything sink in a lot more... like this really is getting close. In less than 2 weeks she will be here.... SCARY!

My parents are coming up here tonight to watch the game and hopefully will be able to be here for our walk through tomorrow. Still doesnt look like the people have moved out... and their lease is up today. There werent any cars there last night or this morning.... but there is a bunch of crap outside the house. So I dont know if they took what they wanted and left... or if they are planning on moving today or what... but it will be interesting tomorrow to see what has been accomplished.

We will decide on a closing date after our walk through and my doctors appointment, but it will definitely be sometime next week! The next couple of days will be spent picking out flooring and paint and all that fun stuff!

38 Weeks

No real baby news as of yet. Just lots of Braxton Hicks contractions for warm up, I guess. I see the doctor again Monday and maybe he will induce me??? I am certainly hoping.

We heard for certain yesterday that we are "cleared to close" on our house with the bank! YAY! That was a lot of stress off of our backs. Now we just have to hope and pray that the tenants will be out in the next two days. Their thirty days is up technically tomorrow, but I think the sellers gave them until the 31st to be out. We are planning to do our walk through on Sunday, April 1st... so they better be out. And we may close as early as next Wednesday, depending on the baby and if/when she decides to come! Shawn and I have taken quite a few evening strolls down our new street and there doesnt seem to be any progress as far as moving is concerned. We are such dorks about it. They have a tarp out there, and we were like "oh a tarp! They can put stuff in a pickup truch and cover it with that!" They HAVE taken the screen door off of its hinges and we were like "maybe they did that to move big stuff out!" But in reality, no real signs of them not being there anymore.

Well, I thought I would make it through my whole pregnancy without any middle of the night trips to the hospital, but I was wrong. Tuesday night I started having severe GI problems that kept me up all night and I was absolutely miserable. I couldnt keep anything down and couldnt get comfortable and was having horrible stomach pains.... so at 5:30 I broke down and called the on call doctor. She was certain I was dehydrated which can bring on contractions, but the kind that wont do anything except make me uncomfortable. She wanted me to come in, so we loaded up and went to North Florida where they put me on the fetal monitor and watched me for awhile. They had planned to give me an IV of fluid, but my blood pressure was up.... not dangerously high, but high enough it wasnt worth dumping more fluid into my system. So I laid there and drank Gatorade for three hours while they made sure the baby was okay. Which she was.... very active during her morning playtime. My doctor came in after that because he was the one on call Wednesday, and he sent me home and he will see me Monday.

So then when I called work yesterday to tell them I was at the hospital there were no problems. Then around 11 I got a phone call asking me to call in when I got a chance. When I called the district chief he told me that they had changed me to 40 hour weeks effective Monday (as in 2 days ago) and they had wondered why I hadnt shown up to work Monday or Tuesday. Hmm... maybe because noone told me this change of plans? I was more than a little frusrated, because the way the contract reads if you are hurt on the job you get first shot at the 24 hour spots. I am still on light duty because of my knee technically. So if anyone was to be moved out of their spot, it would be someone who is there for a non work related problem, and there is someone who works the day after me out for that. I was so frustrated with the whole thing, and so exhausted and not wanting to deal with it. So rather than fight it, I just decided to start my maternity leave early. It wasnt worth going through the hassle of converting my salary to 40 hour pay check for one week (since Im hoping she is born next week!) and having to use a bunch of time next week for my doctors appointments and house closing stuff. It made more sense just to take the extra 2 shifts off. So now I am officially on maternity leave, and Madalyn can come any time she wants since I wont be worried about being at work! :)

It will be nice to have some time home before she gets here... so I can get everything ready and relax and have some "me" time.... plus it is nice not to stress about going to work, which has been difficult since I have been on light duty.

Whew that was a lot to update! I am off to teach my last class at SFCC today, though I am sure I will pick up more hours the longer Maddie decides to wait to come....

Love Letters

Here are the beautiful letters that we had made for Madalyn's room. Jenna had some made for Savannah by someone she met through The Knot.com, a wedding website. Katie did a great job and she is expecting her own little girl soon... If anyone is interested in ordering letters for her let me know. They look absolutely beautiful and she can do them to match any nursery theme and colors.

Well, the day is getting closer! We are about 2 weeks away from meeting our little one... even less if my doctor is true to his word and schedules me for an induction after my 39 week appointment (Monday!) Can you tell how badly I am hoping this will happen? I am just so anxious to meet our little girl and stop saying "when the baby comes..." or "after the baby is here" and just have her here! Plus it would be nice to sleep on my stomach again, and not have to pee 12 times nightly. I know everyone says that Im not going to get much sleep with an infant... but I am convinced I will have an easier time getting up with her when there wont be a million obstacles keeping me from getting back to sleep (such as a huge protruding belly or aching calves or stuffy nose or incessant need to pee) So I for one think it will be easier. And at least then Shawn can share in the responsibility. All he knows now is how many times it is back and forth to the bathroom for me. : )

I cant REALLY complain though, except for the absolute exhaustion. All those "sleepless" nights are catching up with me, and I think just the added weight and stress and all makes even simple tasks seem overwhelming. It takes me all day to do 2 loads of laundry! (Well to be honest, the laundry I washed yesterday is still in the dryer waiting to be folded... so thats more like 2 days to do one load!) And Shawn, bless his heart, helps out so much around the house in addition to working extremely long days.... he does so much more then he needs to. I am so lucky to have him around to put more then his fair share of effort into keeping things up around here. I just keep telling myself that any minute we could be leaving for three days to go have our little girl and will be having people come and check on Allie and have my mom staying here, so we try to keep everything as picked up as possible so that we arent leaving a mess.

Off to bed for me....

Still a girl....

Well today I had my doctors appointment and ultrasound. Even though I am technically 37 weeks and 4 days it is considered my 38 week appointment. Everything looked great in the ultrasound, and Shawn was working over by North Florida and was able to come with me which was a nice surprise. Shes so crammed in there! She is head down and her head is low in my pelvis, her back and spine are across the left side of my stomach, leaving her arms and legs free to punch along the right side, which she loves to do. She was even punching the lady doing the ultrasound! She is measuring right on time... 37 weeks 4 days so our due date is right on. The US RN said that she would guess her weight to be able 7 lbs, 5 oz which puts her in the 70th percentile, a little bigger than average. But they could be off by up to a pound and a half, so who knows.

The biggest new, especially for Grandma Swanson, is that we are certain she is a girl! Madalyn loved showing off her "girl parts" more than her face. Just like in previous ultrasounds she likes to keep her arm across her face. But she definitely wanted to make certain we knew she was a girl!

At the doctor my BP was a little elevated. Last week is was 124/86 and this week it was now 144/86, which seemed like a big jump. However the doctor said that because it is my systolic pressure that is elevated and not my diastolic pressure he isnt very concerned. I had some protein in my urine but not enough to be worried about. But it is something to keep an eye on. He checked me and I am dilated between 1 and 2 cm and while he wouldnt put a number for effacement, he said that my cervix is "very favorable" for induction if that becomes necessary.

So looks like Shawn and I will be doing LOTS of walking over the next week!

Allie is feeling much better it seems.... I still dont know what made her so sick, but at least today she is playing like she normally does.

Still no new on the house for sure.... wont hear about the mortgage for sure yet, which is definitely a little stressful. I would have thought the people would have moved out this past weekend because they have until Saturday to be out completely, but it didnt look like they moved anything. And our walk through is scheduled for next Sunday so hopefully they will get it together by then. Our landlord here has leased this place as of August 1st, though I made certain he knew that we are staying here if we dont end up buying this house. Im hoping he is true to his word about letting us renew, because I wont be happy if we end up having to move to somewhere that we dont buy because we had this place rented out from underneath us. Especially because we havent even told our landlord for certain that we are leaving....

Sunday afternoon.....

Well its Sunday of week 37. Not too many more days to go. Over the last week and a half I have had so many of the signs of impending labor that I feel like she could come any day now. I have contractions on and off, and in my childbirth class book there is a checklist of all of the things that you might feel about a week before you go into labor... and more and more of those things are happening! I wonder which day Madalyn has picked for her birthday party?

Allie was really sick last night, so I was up almost all night with her. She must have eaten something she found outside at some point, because all night she was her normal playful self, then she around 11 she started throwing up and continued to do so all night and today as well. She has been the sickest I have ever seen an animal, and I was worried she might need to go to the vet. But she has managed to keep some water down this morning and she gets bits of energy where she runs around and plays for a bit, then goes and naps in the office. So I think she is starting to feel a little bit better and Im not as worried as I was.

Shawn has been working all weekend, though he took a few hour break yesterday so we could go and see Brian. We had a nice visit with him, then Amber and I went to get a pedicure and have some pizza which was a lot of fun.

I see the doctor tomorrow and will get an ultrasound to see how big the baby is... and to make sure she is head down, which we are pretty certain that she is.

37 Weeks (tomorrow)

Well I am officially 37 weeks tomorrow (or today depending on what calendar calculated my due date!) But my appointment yesterday was considered to be my 37 week appointment.

I had thought for certain I was going to have her on Monday. I woke up and felt just awful, then within about an hour I was nauseous and vomiting and started having contractions. I had a doctors appointment for my knee and managed to make it to that and was still having contractions but nothing regular enough to bother timing. I still felt horrible so I took the day off of work and came home and rested... which is what I needed but still wasnt worth taking time off when she decided she wasnt ready to come out! :) I had felt for certain that all of the "telltale signs of labor" were starting and maybe we were going to get to meet our little girl. Especially when I started with the whole "nesting" feeling... and wanting to make certain everything was ready for her. I even made Shawn help me put the car seat into my car!

This past week I have started feeling uncomfortable... I think partially because she has dropped into my pelvis and I have a lot of pressure and dont feel great now. Im glad though that Im not the only one who feels like this... when I went to Shawns softball game last night all the mommies there were telling me how badly they wanted to give birth at this point and all of the things that they tried to make them go into labor! So at least Im not the only one who is starting to feel tired of being pregnant at this point. Apparantly its something most mothers feel!

At my appointment I had had already know he probably wouldnt check me... he said he usually doesnt do it because it wont mean anything. He could find Im already dilated and tell me that and then Ill be dissapointed when I go another 3 weeks without anything happening, or he could see Im not dilated at all and tell me that and I could go into labor that night. So it makes sense... but still I would like to know if all those contractions the other day helped to do anything or if shes not even thinking about making her debut to the world! Everything looked good at the doctors appointment, though my blood pressure was a little bit higher then it had been. It isnt considered high, but I do think I am holding a bit of fluid because my feet and hands are a little puffy.

I have another appointment on Monday and have an ultrasound scheduled with that appointment so I will get to see her then. (If not before then.... HINT HINT Madalyn!)

36 Weeks!

Well I had my 36 week appointment yesterday.... and its so hard to believe I go every week now! We scheduled me for an ultrasound in 2 weeks... I think it is March 27th but I dont know offhand. He says shes still head down, which is good... and Im still measuring a week small... so much for monster baby! I feel huge... so its nice to hear Im small in some way! :) Everything looked great... I had only gained 2 pounds, which is what I am suppossed to gain... and my blood pressure was perfect, so it seems everything has finally regulated itself and Im right where I should be.

The baby is really active, but she seems to already be on a schedule. Shes super busy before bed, and wakes me up at 6:30 every morning (believe it or not, it has been 7:30 this week when she starts kicking! She has figured out daylight savings time!) Its really interesting how she seems already to know about daytime and nighttime. It probably helps that Im able to sleep at work and not be up running calls because that means I sleep most nights (well I lay down most nights... I sleep between the 12 nightly trips to the bathroom)

Amber is in town this week and we went to lunch yesterday and she came over and hung out last night. We had a lot of fun... even just bumming around on the couch watching American Idol and all. Its nice to have friends who understand Im still love to hang out but am just not up for going downtown or out to clubs anymore!

This week I am trying to get some ideas for the house... mostly thinking of paint. It is frustrating not to know if we are definitely going to be moving or not... but its still nice to let my creative side come out. I found the perfect bedspread for our room... the LAST thing we NEED, but something that would make our room look really great. I also saw an idea on HGTV to actually make a headboard out of wood and foam and different panels of a fabric that would be super cheap and look very cool.

House Photos

Things are looking pretty okay as far as the house is concerned... the final contract has been signed and submitted and we are just waiting to hear about the appraisal and the final approval from the lender. So another week or so of keeping our fingers crossed... and hopefully we will know something soon!

It still doesnt look like the tenants have even
thought about moving out... they still have all of their stuff there.... so being that they have 2 weeks until they need to be out that is a little worrisome... but not our problem really since they need to be out before we can close.

Baby Pool Votes

Here are the votes so far.... keep them coming in! I will be updating this as more people say their votes...

Here are the votes so far.... keep them coming in! I will be updating this as more people say their votes...

Carey- March 26th PM 8 lbs, 2 oz.

Amber- March 29th PM

Zeke- March 30th PM

Thai- March 31st AM

Minnich- April 1st AM 8 lbs, 7 oz.

Zach- April 1st PM

Jaime- April 3rd PM 7lbs, 2 oz

Pooh- April 4th PM

Scottie- April 5th PM

Alyssa- April 7th 7lbs. 11 oz

Dave- April 9th PM

Shala- April 9th PM 7lbs, 6 oz.

Jaime's Mom- April 10th AM 6lbs, 14 oz

Nickole- April 11th AM 7lbs, 7oz 19 inches

Jenna- April 11th 7 lbs, 5 ounces 19 inches

Shawn- April 13th AM 10 lbs, 2 oz (I already kicked him HARD for that one!)

Belly Pics (Week 35)

Finally some belly pics! There are from 35 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Im just happy I can still wear the clothes I could wear early in my pregnancy and havent outgrown those! I have a doctors appointment Wednesday and will be posting an update as of then. I still dont have my bag packed for the hospital... but I DID make a trip to Target and at least bought some stuff... so I AM making some progress!

Week 35

I can hardly believe there are now 35 weeks behind us. We have a little over 4 weeks left to go assuming she comes on time. And these next few weeks are jam packed so Im sure time will fly by and she will be here before we know it. Her room is pretty much all put together... we even have diapers for her! I guess now its time to learn how to get the car seat installed in the car so when the time comes we already know how to do that. My friend Kristi asked me if I had my bag packed for the hospital (Which I dont as of yet) and she told me I definitely need to get that stuff together and fairly soon. Truth is I hadnt even really thought about what I will pack. So if there are any suggestions on what to bring let me know!

We have been saving our change for about 6 months... waiting for a "rainy day." Today on a whim we decided to cash it in and buy a nice dinner with the money... and turns out we had $122! So we bought some Porterhouse steaks and crab legs and are making dinner here. Now that I know how much it adds up I will certainly be better about hanging on to my change!

We went and saw our friend Brian Minnich today. It was the first time I have seen him since his trial and Shawn saw him while he was at the county jail just before Christmas. I was pleasantly surprised at how good he looked... and he seems to be holding up better than I had anticipated. It was a little strange at first... but after we adjusted to the guards walking around and watching us it was just like our old double dates at Pizza Hut! We had a good time hanging out with him, and hope to make it out there at least one more time before Madalyn is here.

We are using our baby pool as a way to help raise a little money for him... which is nice because a lot of our friends want to give him some money to help out with incidentals and all, but cant part with enough to make it worth the effort to put it in his account, so this way we can give something back to him who has given so much to us. His vote is that she will be born April 1st and weight 8 pounds 7 ounces. I will be posting peoples predictions on here as well to share with everyone!

Things are still up in the air as far as the house is concerned... waiting to hear on the mortgage approval and I gave the sellers the final contract to sign and get back to me by Friday afternoon and its been all weekend and still no word from them. I dont know if there is a problem with the contingencies we had on there (that the place be vacated by the tenants and all damages incurred by them be taken care of prior to our closing) or if they have just been busy. Either way I have been trying to not stress about it and just relax.

My semester is almost over believe it or not... I have one more test in each class and a term paper in each class and then I am finished! I have 2 more classes that start at the end of March but they are online as well so they shouldnt take up too much time.

I see the doctor on Wednesday and will be posting an update about that.

Baby Pool Info

Well that time is QUICKLY approaching... only a little over 4 weeks until Madalyn's arrival! We have decided to do the traditional baby pool, with a twist. We are going to ask everyone to join in guessing her birthday (date and day or night) and her size and the person who comes closest gets a goody bag filled with all sorts of treats!

Its a $5 donation to join in, and we are going to take the money and give it to our friend Brian Minnich to help his cause. Please join us at this special time to also help make a difference for someone who is very dear to us, and the reason that we are together today. We owe every minute of our happiness to his friendship!

If youre interested in joining in, send me a message with your vote. We can take cash or check, and I also have a paypal account so you can pay online with a few clicks of a mouse!

Hope to hear from you soon.... by the way my due date is officially April 13th, and at my last doctor's appointment I was measuring a week behind, so she is now a little on the small size after her big growth spurt a few weeks ago.

House Update

Well we DID get financing for the house.... so all of the paperwork is being processed. I wont believe until we have a check in hand... but as far as we have been told it looks like it will work out. We will be paying more money than originally thought, but can refinance in a year and hopefully be paying less then. So this year we will be living very frugally.... but that will keep us out of trouble anyways, and who has time to spend money on fun stuff with a new baby? So I think it will work out okay.

Yesterday was our home inspection... we kind of had a struggled getting over there and dealing with the current tenants.... they didnt return the owners phone calls all weekend and then when they did said they didnt want people in the house unless they were there (which legally they cant do as long as they had 24 hours of notice which they had) So the owners tried to reschedule... but I told them no, that we had planned this 4 days ago and had met with the inspector and would be there at 4... so we started on the outside and stalled enough until the guy came home. We only had 10 days to complete the inspection, which is Friday... and Shawn is working today and tomorrow and I work Wednesday and then Thursday night... so it was yesterday or Friday basically.

I am worried that the tenants are going to cause problem. They pnly pay $750 a month for rent (which is about $200 lower than everything else around here!) and they are going to be hardpressed to find something that cheap anywhere around here, and with 5 kids living there its going to be hard to find anything big enough for them!) They arent the classiest of people to say the least... and they live in absolute filth. I will be taking pictures of the inside of the house, but chose not to share the ones I did take because it is so disgusting! But from these pictures you can see the yard and the back of the house.

Madalyn has been really really active the past few days... wiggling around and kicking me a lot. I had quite a few contractions yesterday as well.... Im sure they were Braxton Hicks contractions but its the most of those that I have had throughout my pregnancy. I cant believe how close it is until she is here. Today I am putting away the rest of the clothes that Jenna sent home with us this weekend.... I only kept the newborn stuff out in the drawers and closet and have packed everything else in rubbermaids in her closet.

We are contemplating a change in wedding plans.... with the whole house buying thing we have been leaning in the direction of having a VERY small (family only) wedding, maybe on the beach somewhere, and then eating dinner at a nice resturaunt. If we do that it will probably be over the summer sometime.... and while its not the big wedding we had been thinking, I think it will be easier with a new house and a new baby to scratch all that planning. Shawn and I know that we want to be married, and really the only thing stopping us from going to the courthouse and getting married is wanting to share it with our families. Plus we could take what has been earmarked towards wedding money and put it into the house, even if it just sits in savings it will cut down on the stress level of money for the next year.

Also, Shawn is setting up a MSN group for Madalyn so we can email pictures and baby updates and all.... so if you read this regularly and want to be added to the group send me an email at emtgatorgirl@Hotmail.com so we can get you added....

Happy Birthday Savannah!

My neice Savannah's birthday was on March 1st and she is now 1 year old! I cant believe how fast the year has gone by (not to mention how much life has changed this past year.) Shawn and I went to Bradenton on Friday night to spend the weekend with Jenna, Brad and the baby. My parents came down yesterday for lunch and to spend the afternoon, then we all headed back home late last night. It was a long weekend and I was absolutely exhausted by the time we got home last night, but it was well worth it to be able to spend time with the family. Depending on Miss Madalyn's plans we will be heading to Riverview St Patty's weekend so we (I mean more Shawn than I!) can help Jenna and Brad with things in their new house.

Pregnancy wise... I am 34 weeks, 3 days.... so only 5 weeks and a few days to go! I cant believe how close it is getting. We pretty much have everything we need for her all set and ready to go. I guess this week we need to make a priority of attempting car seat installation, so we at least know how to get that in there in case she decides to come early. Other than that we are good to go and just waiting her arrival.

House wise things are still up in the air. We made an offer that they accepted and we signed the contract, but turns out the loan program that we thought I qualified for because I am a firefighter is for people who make LESS money than I do. I dont make THAT much to be overqualified for things, especially since I will be supporting a family of 3 on that.... but who knows. So back to the drawing board in that department... I will know more tomorrow from our mortgage broker, but hopefully he has something that we qualify for and can still afford everything else! I would really hate to pass on this house because it is everything we want and would be such a great opportunity for us. Plus Shawn is so excited about putting his handyman skills to work at his own place.... So keep your fingers crossed for us that things will work out.

Week 34, house contract signed!

Well, as of tomorrow I am finished my 34th week and start my 35th! It is crazy how time is flying by. I saw the doctor yesterday and he said everything looks good... she is still head down and her "growth spurt" seems to have evened off because now I am measuring 32.5 weeks instead of 33.5. So much for Shawn's wish of a 9 pound baby! I will have another ultrasound before she is born, probably at my 36 or 37 week appointment. I go back in 2 weeks from today, at the end of my 35th week, then will see him weekly after that. Its getting close now!

We signed a contract on the house yesterday.... we actually got it for $9000 less than the asking price, and the asking price was probably $30,000 less then what they could have gotten the house sold for compared to the values in this area. The people who are selling the house are very nice and so far have made this experience very very easy for us. The lady even offered to come help paint as soon as we close so that we can get the fumes out before Madalyn is here! We meet with our mortgage guy today and then will fax the contract to Brad who is doing our legal stuff.... and our mortgage guy is one of Brad's best friends and fraternity brothers from college. It has been very nice and convienent to have people we know helping us with the details, and so far our first home buying experience has been painless and easy.

So this next month will consist of getting as much stuff together as possible while waiting for the closing date and the baby's birthday to come. As of right now we close March 31st, and should know more today after we meet with Ace. As far as I know from this point it is just the bank seeing if they want to buy the house at that much money.... and hopefully they will agree to it and everything will continue to go smoothly.

Shawn started softball season last night... he plays with some guys from work and high school out at the local sports park every Tuesday night. We didnt get home until late and were pretty exhausted since it was a long day. Today is my birthday, and other than signing the loan paperwork I dont think we have anything exciting planned. Some of my friends have called to see if we were going to do something.... but I am definitely showing my age (and the fact that Im VERY pregnant!) when I say I would be happier staying in and making dinner together then going anywhere special!

Plus what better birthday present can you ask for then buying a house with the man that you love right before your first daughter is born? I mean, really.... it doesnt get any better than this.

BIG NEWS~

Sunday morning after the baby shower we were talking with my mother about buying a house.... something we werent planning to do. But with her encouragement and some very convienent timing we decided to go by an open house one street over in our neighborhood. Both Shawn and I love our location in Gainesville, but unfortunately the houses here are a little out of our price range for right now. But we decided to take a look anyways, because it wouldnt hurt.

We are so glad that we did! The house is old... same as this one, and is laid out very similar and is a little bit bigger, plus has an enclosed porch. It needs a LOT of work... but is mostly cosmetic things like new paint and flooring. The yard is about the same size as this one and is already fenced in.... perfect for Miss Allie! The best part was the price... well within our range because it needs work, and the people are willing to negotiate the price because of the work that it needs.

So we left the open house, and I called a friend from college, Ace. He handled the financing for Jenna and Brad's first home... and I just wanted to pick his brain but turns out he took all of my information and by 4 yesterday was calling me to say that we were approved for a mortgage for the house! Last night we went back to the house for another walk through.... and then tonight we are going to make an offer and hopefully sign a contract on the house.

Apparently my birthday present this year will be buying out first home! Keep your fingers crossed that this will all work out.... and hopefully we will be closing on the house around the beginning of April. (The thought has crossed my mind that we might be signing the closing paperwork from my hospital bed while in labor with Madalyn!)

Madalyn's Baby Shower

Saturday was our baby shower..... and it was great! My sister did an awesome job of organizing everything and making everything look absolutely beautiful. It was great to see so many friends from college who made the trip up to spend the afternoon with me. I will be posting pictures very soon. We got a lot of great things for Madalyn.... lots of beautiful blankets and clothes. She is going to be so fashionable!

We had finished the nursery, so it was nice to show off all of our (Shawn's) hard work. Thanks to everyone who joined us to celebrate, and special thanks to Jenna for all of her hard work.

Week 32

Today I am 32 weeks pregnant and starting my 33rd week... that means she should be here in 7 weeks or less! Its insane how fast time has gone by. And it feels like she has moved off of my lungs a bit so I can breathe MUCH easier, at least for the time being. That makes being pregnant SO much more enjoyable... when I can take a deep breath! :)

This week we spent two days "Spring Cleaning" the house.... and Shawn worked his butt off washing baseboards and scrubbing the bathrooms and all. Our house is extremely clean now... and all disinfected for baby. Her chair came last night and Shawn put it together, so her room will be finished when we put the cabinent together. Then I will send along pictures of the completed room.

It is very very cold out tonight and the weather man says we might get snow flurries! The low is below 30 and there is some moisture in the air.... that would certainly be cool to see some snow.... but we are all bundled up inside with the heat on.

I know I need to add some belly pictures.... they are coming I promise. : )

Jamie and Beth's wedding

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31 Weeks....

Yesterday we had our 31 week doctors appointment. Wow how time flies! No ultrasound, so we can't tell how big she is, but by measuring me it seems she may have just had a growth spurt because I am measuring exactly where I should be. Dr. Muskus said that she has turned head-down, which I had figured because I feel some kicking under my ribs now which I hadnt felt before. So she is at least starting to think about making her appearance!

While I did pass my glucola test, turns out I failed the one hour portion. My sugar after 1 hour was 192 and the highest acceptable is 130! So he wont technically classify me as a gestational diabetic, I still need to watch my carbs and sugars very closely. At least I dont have to prick my finger every day! We dont eat particuarily bad to begin with... but I definitely wont be enjoying any chocolate this Valentines day! (though I AM having a piece of Publix cake at my baby shower!)

I was asking if he would check me when I got closer, to give me a guesstimate if I am starting to dilate and start thinking about when she might decide to come... and he said he usually doesnt because it is so uncomfortable. But he DID offer to induce me when it gets closer if that would work better for us... which takes a little stress off of me about having to worry about going into labor at work! We dont have to make a decision yet... but at least I have that option if thats what we choose!

We are going to a friend's wedding today at the same place we are getting married, with the same caterer, so it will be nice to see how things are set up and how it sounds and all... kind of like a trial run for our wedding. I work with the groom so there will be a lot of firefighters there as well, and a bunch of our friends are in the wedding party. Should be a good time!

Angels are everywhere

I received this as a forward from a very dear family friend... and I thought it was absolutely beautiful. Of course it made me cry, the sap that I am! But I thought I would pass it along... because it is inspirational and uplifting to think that there are people in this world who would take the time out of their day to make a difference. And even greater is the fact that this mother felt she should share... to perhaps inspire random acts of kindness by others. I am so touched.

Angels are Everywhere
"Some of you may know that our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month(8/23). The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. She dictated and I wrote:

"Dear God, Will you please take special care of our dog, Abbey? She died yesterday and is heaven. We miss her very much. We are happy that you let us have her as our dog even though she got sick. I hope that you will play with her. She liked to play with balls and swim before she got sick. I am sending some pictures of her so that when you see her in heaven you will know
she is our special dog. But I really do miss her.
Love, Meredith Claire
ps: Mommy wrote the words after Mer told them to her"

We put that in an envelope with 2 pictures of Abbey, and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Mer stuck some stamps on the front (because, as she said, it may take lots of stamps to get a letter all the way to heaven) and that afternoon I let her drop it into the letterbox at the post office.
For a few days, she would ask if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had. Yesterday, for Labor Day, we took the kids to
Austin to a natural history museum. When we got back, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch. Curious, I went tolook at it. It had a gold star card on the front and said "To: Mer" in an unfamiliar hand.

Meredith took it in and opened it. Inside was a book by
Mr. Rogers, When a Pet Dies. Taped to the inside front
cover was the letter we had written to God, in its opened envelope(which was marked Return to Sender:
> Insufficient address). On the opposite page, one of the pictures of Abbey was taped under the words "For Meredith." We turned to the back cover, and there was the other picture of Abbey,and this handwritten note on pink paper:

"Dear Mer,
I know that you will be happy to know that Abbey arrived safely and soundly in Heaven! Having the pictures you sent to me was such a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.You know, Meredith, she isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with
me--just like she stays in your heart--young and running and playing. Abbey loved being your dog, you know. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets!-- so I can't keep your beautiful
letter. I am sending it to you with the pictures so that you will have this book to keep and remember Abbey.
One of my angels is taking care of this for me. I hope the little book helps. Thank you for the beautiful letter. Thank your mother for sending it. What a wonderful mother you have! I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I am in heaven and wherever there is love.
Love,
God, and the special angel who wrote this after God told her the words."

As a parent and a pet lover, this is one of the kindest things that I've ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is somevery kind soul working in the dead letter office. Just wanted to share this act of compassion :)

Learning to practice what I preach

Well I guess it is time to practice what I preach. I never thought I would have to listen so closely to something like that, but I do now, because I dont honestly think my heart can handle anymore.

"When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left."

So much easier to say and think about doing than to actually do. Especially when you are seven and a half months pregnant and on an emotional roller coaster, sometimes its hard to not sweat the small stuff. Now the rational Jaime knows to just let it go, that the writing is on the wall, that people change and move on and that its time to just look past it. But the Jaime that really misses her friends, and misses the people who used to mean so much to her has a really hard time doing that.

I know I am lucky. I have friends who have survived cancer, who have overcome so many difficult obstacles, who are in places that they dont deserve to be in... and I have the greatest admiration and respect for those people for being who they are today. There isnt a day that goes by that I dont thank God for all that I have, and for bringing Shawn and I together and showing me what life is all about. I dont miss the parties and the clubs and the wild and crazy life... but I do miss having a girlfriend to call when I am sad or lonely or just need someone to be there for me. Shawn is wonderful, but not the person that I need when I am having a "girly moment."

This pregnancy, while a beautiful blessing and a gift, has brought me the greatest challenge that I have ever had to face. Not to mention losing the freedom of being able to do my job on the ambulance and being stuck in an office all day, possibly facing knee surgery, going to school full time and teaching almost full time hours on my days off. I am doing a lot and that makes me happy, but sometimes I get overwhelmed and just need a friend to talk to. I hate feeling like a burden to those around me when I need a pick-me-up. They say it takes a village to raise a child... and I think it takes a strong support system to go through pregnancy. So losing part of that support system at the time when I need them most has been incredibly devastating. And at the time in my life where I feel the least like myself I am forced to try and trust new people, something that I am very NOT good at after years of trusting the wrong people.

Last night I think was the lowest I have felt.... and the saddest I can remember being. It was like the wind was completely taken out of my sail... and I know I shouldnt let it bother me, shouldnt stress about things that I cant change... but I cant help it. I am a person, I have a heart, and it was absolutely broken by someone I thought was at least in some way a friend.

There is this person I have been friends with for years... and when I say years I mean since I had just turned 21. That person and I had seen each other through everything... and I thought was one of those friendships that is lifelong and lasting. Since December we have been growing apart, and on several occasions I have asked her if I had done something to upset her, or if there was something wrong. And each time I was told that she was just busy... and I chalked it up to me being hypersensitive due to hormones. Turns out I was wrong... and maybe the writing was on the wall then and I should have paid attention and avoided being hurt. But I didnt...

My friend Kevin was having a Super Bowl party and he asked it we wouldnt mind having it here, and I thought that would be a great idea.... so we invited some more people since there was now more room for people at my place. And everyone we invited called and wanted to know why I wasnt going to my friend's house for her party. Trivial I know... but the reason why I wasnt going was I knew nothing about it. I had so obviously not been invited that it was like a slap in the face. I just very calmly told people that I wasnt going because I wasnt invited, and no, I didnt know why... we hadnt had a fight that I knew of... but I understood if they went and didnt come here and to have fun. This person herself even sent me a text message and told me that she couldnt come, that she had other plans. I just sent her a text back that I knew... and for her to have fun.

I was absolutely crushed. And the rational Jaime tried to talk myself through it... to say you cant make people be your friend, and that if this is the way it is then thats life. I KNOW I have an amazing family, and amazing friends.... and I am so lucky and greatful for that. But there still isnt much you can to do prepare yourself for that knife in the heart, punch in the gut feeling that you get when you realize that you have lost someone who was very important to you. The rational part of me says call her, write her... figure out where it all went wrong because it is silly to throw away 6 years of friendship.... but I guess I am not the one throwing it all away. And I honestly dont think my heart can take anymore.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

Thank God for Shawn... for he is the one who shows me that I am better off without people like that in my life... and he can put his arms around me when I cry and tell me that it will all be okay and I have so much more now. And I know that I do and that I shouldnt cry and that I shouldnt be sad. But sometimes I just cant help it...