I am truly touched

Life is very much a mystery to me, why things happen and where they happen and who they happen to. I would like to be a stronger person, to have a deeper belief in Christ and to be able to see strength in times of pain, but sometimes I am blind to all of this. It is late, and I am up thinking, and when I post this blog it will most definitely be much later than I should have allowed myself to stay up. But the wheels are spinning in my head, and I need to sort out my thoughts, and there is no better forum then this.

There are so many things wrong with the world. We have oil companies with record profits and yet there are families who cannot afford the gas in their cars to go to work. We have people who have a desperate need for health insurance, who cannot afford the medication that their bodies need to be healthy and who work every day to be told that they are not able to be insured. We constantly have toys recalled because cheap labor ensures they are unfit for our children to safely play with. The very gravity of the reality of life these days is enough to make anyone sick to their stomach.

And then I stumble upon a blog on here that moved me the way nothing has ever moved me before. My sister has read this blog, Bring the Rain, and friends have mentioned it, but it wasnt until I stumbled upon a link from a photography site that I was on when I actually read it. Perhaps God was waiting for the right time to have me read this blog, to a time where I would be open to all of the emotions associated with it.

April 7th of this year, this woman who so openly and devotedly speaks of her life, gave birth to a baby girl Audrey Caroline who lived for two and a half hours. The blog chronicles her journey through her pregnancy, knowing that her daughter would likely not survive delivery, let alone a few hours. It is the most beautiful, heartbreaking story I have ever read.

April 7th of this year I excitedly planned my own daughter's first birthday party. While reading this story, I thought back on my own joy on that very day as we celebrated a year of our daughter's life. And somewhere, not that far away, a mother was having that very joy taken from her as God took her daughter to heaven to live with him.

Being a mother has changed me in so many ways, so many more ways then most people will ever be able to understand. There was a time where I didnt even know if I wanted children and a husband and a "normal suburban life." Obviously God had bigger plans for me than I had for myself, because by a series of incredible circumstances I am blessed with the most amazing husband a woman could ever dream of having, and an absolutely beautiful little girl who is the light of our lives.

Being pregnant was a special time with me, and I experienced a bond that I dont think there are words to describe. Those thirty nine weeks that I carried Madalyn was a time where I learned what it was to truly have unconditional love for someone. I can remember our ultrasound, where we found out we were having a girl... and all the images of mothers and daughters that flashed through my head. All the pedicures and sleepovers and playing dress up and "girl talk" that we would have. Her on her wedding day, her having her own children. I believe I truly was born to have a daughter.

I cant imagine carrying a baby, feeling every kick and poke and hiccup and knowing that once she was born she would be leaving me. I dont think I can cry enough tears for all of the mothers that have had to experience this. It truly breaks my heart, to think of being the only person who will every truly know that baby before it is taken far too soon. And having to explain it to other daughters, just as the Mom in this blog had to. Young children shouldnt have to experience a loss like that. They shouldnt have to know what it is like to lose someone they love.

My daughter is my life. She is my peace at night before I go to sleep, the ray of sunshine that greets me when I wake up. After a long shift at work, her smile greets me at the door with an exuberant "Mama!" as she holds her arms out to me, palms up and pulls her fingers in (her motion for "up." And then I lift her into my arms and kiss her and she pats my cheek and smiles and has three pearly teeth in that wide expanse of shiny gums.... and it is the promise of a new day.

Its a little easier to pay $4.15 a gallon for gas when my beautiful daughter is seated in the backseat watching me pump it. She is alive, and she is healthy, and in the great grand scheme of life that is what matters. Everything else is trivial and inconsequential.

If you havent read Audrey Caroline's story, please take the time to read it. This is a woman who truly believes in the love of God, who truly believes that He would not set a trial before her that she was not strong enough to conquor. She honestly is my hero, a real person who has so selflessly given to carry a child that she knew would not live. I still have pain from my C section, but it is a small price to have paid for my beautiful healthy daughter. This mother had a Csection because it was what was best for her baby, and she has the scar to prove it, though no baby to hold in her arms and cradle at night.

Please pray for the Smith family, and in your prayers please include all those who do not know how lucky they are. After reading this story, it has made me really think about what is important in life, and realize how truly blessed I am to have all that I do. I am so undeserving of all of it. I am truly humbled by the beauty and love of this mother, and my heart aches with the pain of all that she has been through. Maybe tonight God spoke to me because he knew I might listen, gave us a long enough break from running calls to where I could read her story in entirety and soak it in, where I laid in bed, tears running down my face, thanking Him for all that I have and missing Madalyn and Shawn so much.

www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com