Getting ready for Christmas...

Well I know it seems like so far away.... but I always try to kick off the holiday season right away. Especially since I am working on Christmas Day... I feel like I will miss out on the big day, so I want to start early! And I have to admit... last year I was hardly in the Christmas spirit... complete with me carrying my tree fully decorated (except for the few special ornaments that I have) down to the curb the morning after Christmas!Which I had totally forgotten about until yesterday when I got everything out and there were no tree lights, garland and ornaments! So Shawn and I went shopping for which he totally deserves sainthood for.... and braved the crowds to get our ornaments and Christmas tree. The tree is decorated blue and white and silver... so we can combine both out Catholic and Jewish holidays. It looks beautiful, and so far Allie has only stared at the lights, not bothered with the tree at all. In fact, yesterday we heard an ornament shatter and went running expecing to find her starily guiltily at the tree.... but she was actually sleeping in her crate and the casualty was in fact my fault for not securing the ornament well enough to the tree!

Shawn, in good Clark Griswold tradition, started putting some lights up outside the house, and they look beautiful. We also put out our stockings and bought a small one for Allie.... so we are basically ready for the holidays. While shopping yesterday we started thinking about the future Christmases.... where we will be buying bikes and dollhouses and wrapping them from "Santa"..... and we were both so excited about the baby! It reminded me of all of the happy Christmas memories from my family growing up.... which were such wonderful thoughts. It is so exciting to be able for Shawn and I to establish our own holiday traditions for our family.

Thanksgiving was great.... my family was able to come up for dessert with Shawn's family, and Jenna and Brad brought Savannah up so she got to meet Shawn's nephew Josh. We had a great time, then yesterday morning Shawn made a huge breakfast and we had both of our parents over to eat. We showed them the ultrasound video of the baby and just hung out together for a few hours.... and had a great time. I think our parents get along really well... which definitely makes things a lot easier for Shawn and I! So altogether we had a great holiday surrounded by our family and friends.... and it was really a good time.

Today is the FSU game... so GO GATORS!

Thankfulness

Well its the night before Thanksgiving, and I am working... but luckily it has been a not too busy day. Which I greatly appreciate, because I have been able to get caught up on a lot of paperwork and all. I thought this might be a good oppportunity to think and reflect on all of the things that I have to be thankful for. There are so many.... but here are a few that come to mind.

FAMILY
I am so glad to have a family as wonderful as mine. I am incredibly greatful to have people that I can call whenever I need someone, who are always there for me, and who are able to share in the excitement of my pregnancy. My sister has been a wonderful source of information, and seeing her yesterday reminded me how exciting it is going to be to be a mother. I am so thankful that we all have our health and our happiness, and I am incredibly proud to be able to say that my family is amazing. I love how close I am with my parents, and I am so thankful that I have such an open, honest relationship with them. I am also so glad for Shawn's family, who has welcomed myself and my family into theirs, and who are so excited in anticipation of the new baby. It is wonderful to have them so close that we can see his parents and brother Ben often, and his other brother and family arent too far away in Orlando.

SHAWN
There are no words to express how thankful I am to have found a man as wonderful as him to be both my future husband and the father of my baby. No matter what I need, he is there to provide it, and yet he challenges me in a way that no one in the past ever has. He has taught me what it is to trust again, and what it is to be able to just "be" with someone and be truly happy. I can honestly say that I have never met someone who I have loved as much as I love him... and it is the best feeling to know that he loves me back without complication. We have been through so much together, and no matter what we know that we have each other. He is a constant source of inspiration for me, and I am so proud to have him as a part of my life. I know he will be an amazing husband and an even better father, and I am so thankful that he was brought into my life at a time where we were both ready to try out a relationship again.

FRIENDS
This year has been a difficult one for many of my friends, and we have all been though some trying times. It is with true sincerity that I say that I have the utmost admiration for my friends.... as they have shown me strength that I have never thought possible. My friends have also taught me that family does not necessarily have to be related by blood.... and I do consider many of my friends to be my brothers and my sisters. I have seen an incredible amount of selflessness from my friends and this has inspired me in many ways to do all that I can for those around me. It has also taught me to be nonjudgemental... and sometimes that the first impressions of people may be way off from their true character.

I know there is much much more to be thankful for that I am sure will occur to me later.... but for now these are the things I am thinking of. I am also thankful that so far I have had a relatively uneventful pregnancy... and now that I feel the baby move it reminds me of the exciting journey that Shawn and I have ahead of us. The baby is so active... whenever I sit down for a few minutes there she is, kicking me and swimming around. It is the strangest feeling... the other morning I just laid in bed and giggled every time she kicked... and I cant wait for her kicks to be strong enough for Shawn to be able to feel them. Every time I feel her is like a remider of this little person that is growing inside of me that will one day very soon be our daughter Madalyn. I am so thankful for this wonderful gift of motherhood that has been given to me....

Introducing....

Introducing Madalyn Swanson... due April 13, 2007. She is 18 weeks, 6 days here and has lots of fun sucking her thumb and jumping on my bladder!

Baby girl Swanson

I will post pictures soon I promise... especially if Shawn gets to his parents to scan them and email them to me. Otherwise it will be tomorrow before they are posted. I have a video of the ultrasound but so far have been unable to actually figure out how to get it onto Youtube. So if anyone out there knows how to convert video files, please let me know! I would LOVE to figure it out... especially for when we have baby videos to post later on.

So my doctor actually came for my ultrasound.... he wanted to see if the Swansons were finally going to have a girl in the family! It was nice having him there so he could actually see her and not just get the report later on. This will be the first girl in Shawn's family... they have boy cousins, nephews and brothers... so I am sure she will be spoiled rotten. (Her Daddy will make sure of that!) Just as I suspected she was misbehaving... was sitting in my uterus with her legs crossed so it took almost half an hour before we could get a shot of her girl parts! Then she decided to take a nap and slept for a bit before the tech shook my belly to wake her up to try and see what she was. So uncooperative! Not that I expected anything else from this child... Jenna's baby is just like me as an infant... so I am certain I will have a baby Jenna.... a darling infant and a terrible toddler!

The ultrasound looked good... she is measuring right where she needs to be, which is what Ive worried about because I havent kept a whole lot of food down. Ive only gained one pound since my last visit... and I had actually lost a bunch since I became pregnant. She is 10 ounces... so she is pretty much the only extra weight I have right now. But its nice not to have to worry about all of the stuff that goes along with gaining too much weight. And my blood pressure was good.... so far, things are looking great. I did have what my doctor called an "amniotic band" which apparantly is very common... just scar tissue in my uterus that hopefully will just snap when my uterus expands more. Its kind of like a rubber band, and is no big deal as long as she doesnt get tangled up in it. He told me not to worry about is, so I will trust him. But I do get another ultrasound next month and probably every month until she is born... which will be neat to see her grow.

During the scan she was using my bladder as a trampoline, which was so funny because I suspected she might have done that! Whenever I sit for long periods of time I have to go to the bathroom so bad, regardless of if I have had anything to drink. She also sucked her thumb and was turning somersaults. The tech and my doctor are positive she is a girl... there are the telltale 3 little lines (which he called hamburger and buns.... gross!) in all of the pictures.

As far as names are concerned we are going to name her Madalyn for sure... just working on a middle name. I think we will call her Maddie for short... it is so exciting to see this little person growing inside of me that already has such a personality! Its like it isnt just a "smudge" anymore (though I think that nickname will stick!) and is actually our daughter. I have never ever seen Shawn so excited as he was yesterday... he called everyone and told them it was a girl. He will be such a great Daddy. : ) We went to the mall and went baby shopping... not that she will need much clothes as we have already inherited some of Savannah's but we wanted to buy something pink... so we bought the most adorable little dress with little pink flowers on it and a little white and pink onesie with rosebuds on it. I think Shawn would have bought everything pink if he could have!

Hopefully my next post will be pictures....

Baby....

- Get Your Own

New Allie Pictures

Allie's pet squirrel. She loves to play with her newest toy! Allie is now 7 months old and is quite the little entertainer!

Boy or Girl Smudge?

Well tomorrow is the BIG day... when we find out whether we are shopping pink or blue (HOPEFULLY!) I am sure the baby will be misbehaving! :) I still don't have that "mother's intuition" about boy or girl. I have had a few baby dreams and then it is a girl, but mostly I think it has been a girl in the dreams because the baby I am closest to is Savannah, so when I think baby I think of a girl. I dont know though... and I really dont care what it is as long as it is a healthy baby and I have a healthy pregnancy! Shawn swears it is a girl, I think because there are no girls in his family... he has 3 brothers and both of his nephews have been boys. But there are no boys in my family... I have a sister and a neice. We will see.... I'd love to hear feedback on what everyone thinks it is! :)

Smudge's first concert

Last night we went to see Sister Hazel and Hootie and the Blowfish at the ODome... so it was officially Baby Swanson's first concert. I think baby (and mommy to be) had enough of it pretty early though... we left about 45 minutes into Sister Hazel's show because I was so exhausted and had to work today.

It seems the morning sickness is back with a bang. I had about 5 good weeks... and then welcome back nausea and vomiting. I almost puked on a patient today! Luckily I was able to call Mama Swanson and she had some great advice, and my doctor called in some Zofran for me so I am all taken care of now (hopefully!) I have tried the medicine because by the time I got it, the morning sickness had passed. But at least I am prepared for next Monday at work now. I am so lucky to have people looking out for me... and it doesnt hurt to have an OB doc in the family!

We are headed to the Gator game tomorrow... I will be sitting in the Champions Club with Jenna and Shawn will be with Brad and Chris Martin out in the stands. Im so excited I get to play with Savannah (and maybe return her toys from the last Gator game I saw with her... Allie kept stealing them and taking them outside in the dirt.) Then hopefully we will get to drive out to Crystal River for dinner with my parents.... so looks like I may get to see the whole family in the same day, which I dont think has happened for a very long time!

The Longest Hour

This past week was absolutely surreal to me. One of my friends was on trial for attempted murder, and while it certainly seemed to everyone that it was in self defense.... it was hard to leave that decision up to a jury. I have always believed in the American Justice system, but I feel now that it has failed a very dear friend of mine. When the judge returned the verdict of guilty, i felt as if i could not catch my breath. Noone had anticipated this verdict, even under the worst of circumstances. We had all thought maybe he would be in prison for 3-5 years for assault charges.... but attempted murder is a completely different ballgame.

This week I saw another side of my friends. I saw their strength in times of turmoil. I saw how people who may not know each other extremely well can come together when they are needed, and who now share a bond that we will never forget. Friday night as we all sat around on my porch and talked about our friend and the trial there was an entire range of emotions. There was laughter as we remembered the good times, sadness as we remembered the bad, fear as we thought about how badly we needed each other and he had noone.... and thankfulness that we were all able to be there for each other. We cant reach out to our friend right now, but we can pray for him and hope that somehow he knows that we love him and are thinking of him.

I have never been extremely religious... but I have always believed that no matter what tragedy comes before you that if you were not strong enough deep down to deal with it, then it would not have been presented to you in the first place. We all need to learn from these experiences. I know love, and I know true friendship. I have seen the unconditional love that a father has for his son, when he says he would gladly trade places with him in that jail cell without a moments thought. I have seen a mother trying to pick up the pieces and get everything in order.

Myself, I have learned that sometimes tears arent the answer. Shawn and I went through this together, and as this was the friend who introduced us in the first place, it is hard to think of our lives moving forward without him as a part of them. I saw his strength in this sad time, and saw how he was able to comfort his guy friends. He told me how proud he was of me, for enotionally being strong and being there for our friend's girlfriend... and that meant a great deal to me. I feel like we have grown tremendously as a couple through this ordeal... and that gives me hope that we can weather anything brought upon us.

I know that my friend knows how much we love him, and I pray that God will grant him the strength to get him through this.

I get knocked down...

Ever feel like you just cant get ahead? I do, especially today. I really have tried to put 100% of myself into the things that I do... and sometimes I feel like it isnt worth it. I wanted more than anything to be a Firefighter Paramedic. I remember calling my parents and telling them that I wanted to take a break from school to pursue fire rescue as my career. I wanted so badly to be able to help people and to be able to challenge myself on a daily basis. I also wanted more than anything to be a part of the fire department family. It was hard to convince my parents of these things, and for the first time in my life I felt like they didnt agree with a decision I was making. But I did it any way, and worked hard to get into school. I sped through EMT, Fire Fighter One, Paramedic, and Fire Fighter Two so that I could get a job doing what I knew I would love. I remember so well the day that I graduated from the Fire Academy... it meant more to me than anything I had ever accomplished. I remember testing for a job with ACFR and finding out that I achieved the highest score in the history of the exam for a job. I remember the day I got sworn into the department after having been there almost a year. It was by far my greatest accomplishment.

I love my job. I love helping people. I love taking a patient to the ER and giving my report, and having a doctor tell me that I did a great job with the patient. I love holding people's hands when they are upset or scared and being able to reassure them.

Unfortunately, however, my job does not love me. I used to feel so confident at work, was so certain of who I was and what I was doing. Now I feel like every time I turn around I am getting hit with more negativity and I honestly dont know how much more I can take.

I stopped by the station today to talk to a very dear friend of mine, someone I have known for many years and has always treated me like a daughter of his. I wanted to fill him in on some things. He is in charge of scheduling during the week days. During our conversation he asked me how long I was planning to stay on the road before I went to light duty. I told him as long as I possibly could, because I love my job and am in no way cut out for working in the office 40 hours a week. He mentioned to me that he had gotten into trouble because of me. I am in a staffing position, which means that I basically fill in the empty spots where people have taken vacation days. I hate staffing more than anything and miss having my own truck and station, but I deal with it because these are the things that you do while working for the fire department. The past few weeks one of the Rescue Lieutenants that works at a slower station has been out after having shoulder surgery and so his slot has been opened. For 2 shifts I was stationed there. On the first of the 2 shifts someone apparently called our Deputy Chief and complained that I was at a slow station "because I was pregnant." The Chief then called the scheduling office and made a big deal about me being given special treatment. I dont understand who would ever make such a big deal about this. I really dont. My friend explained to him that I am on staffing, and staffing people fill in the holes when people are out.... and thats the way it works. There was no special treatment at all.

I am so frustrated about this! I mean... I am really trying to do the best that I can. I am working more than full time, plus am in school full time, and on top of that am dealing with being pregnant. This is the first week I have felt halfway decent since July! I dont know how to react. I am so hurt over this... and I want nothing more than to just be able to go to work and love my job again. But I feel like I have been stabbed in the back so many times by this department... and I thought the fire department was a family. When people in your family have a lot going on in their lives, you are there for them and support them and help them in whatever way you can. I must not be a member of the family then, because it seems that not only do I not get any help, I get knocked down at every opportunity.

I dont know what to do anymore. I know I am going to go to nursing school. But being an RN is so far away.... we are talking years before I can change careers. All I know is it is getting harder and harder to hold my head up.