I get knocked down...

Ever feel like you just cant get ahead? I do, especially today. I really have tried to put 100% of myself into the things that I do... and sometimes I feel like it isnt worth it. I wanted more than anything to be a Firefighter Paramedic. I remember calling my parents and telling them that I wanted to take a break from school to pursue fire rescue as my career. I wanted so badly to be able to help people and to be able to challenge myself on a daily basis. I also wanted more than anything to be a part of the fire department family. It was hard to convince my parents of these things, and for the first time in my life I felt like they didnt agree with a decision I was making. But I did it any way, and worked hard to get into school. I sped through EMT, Fire Fighter One, Paramedic, and Fire Fighter Two so that I could get a job doing what I knew I would love. I remember so well the day that I graduated from the Fire Academy... it meant more to me than anything I had ever accomplished. I remember testing for a job with ACFR and finding out that I achieved the highest score in the history of the exam for a job. I remember the day I got sworn into the department after having been there almost a year. It was by far my greatest accomplishment.

I love my job. I love helping people. I love taking a patient to the ER and giving my report, and having a doctor tell me that I did a great job with the patient. I love holding people's hands when they are upset or scared and being able to reassure them.

Unfortunately, however, my job does not love me. I used to feel so confident at work, was so certain of who I was and what I was doing. Now I feel like every time I turn around I am getting hit with more negativity and I honestly dont know how much more I can take.

I stopped by the station today to talk to a very dear friend of mine, someone I have known for many years and has always treated me like a daughter of his. I wanted to fill him in on some things. He is in charge of scheduling during the week days. During our conversation he asked me how long I was planning to stay on the road before I went to light duty. I told him as long as I possibly could, because I love my job and am in no way cut out for working in the office 40 hours a week. He mentioned to me that he had gotten into trouble because of me. I am in a staffing position, which means that I basically fill in the empty spots where people have taken vacation days. I hate staffing more than anything and miss having my own truck and station, but I deal with it because these are the things that you do while working for the fire department. The past few weeks one of the Rescue Lieutenants that works at a slower station has been out after having shoulder surgery and so his slot has been opened. For 2 shifts I was stationed there. On the first of the 2 shifts someone apparently called our Deputy Chief and complained that I was at a slow station "because I was pregnant." The Chief then called the scheduling office and made a big deal about me being given special treatment. I dont understand who would ever make such a big deal about this. I really dont. My friend explained to him that I am on staffing, and staffing people fill in the holes when people are out.... and thats the way it works. There was no special treatment at all.

I am so frustrated about this! I mean... I am really trying to do the best that I can. I am working more than full time, plus am in school full time, and on top of that am dealing with being pregnant. This is the first week I have felt halfway decent since July! I dont know how to react. I am so hurt over this... and I want nothing more than to just be able to go to work and love my job again. But I feel like I have been stabbed in the back so many times by this department... and I thought the fire department was a family. When people in your family have a lot going on in their lives, you are there for them and support them and help them in whatever way you can. I must not be a member of the family then, because it seems that not only do I not get any help, I get knocked down at every opportunity.

I dont know what to do anymore. I know I am going to go to nursing school. But being an RN is so far away.... we are talking years before I can change careers. All I know is it is getting harder and harder to hold my head up.