Learning to practice what I preach

Well I guess it is time to practice what I preach. I never thought I would have to listen so closely to something like that, but I do now, because I dont honestly think my heart can handle anymore.

"When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left."

So much easier to say and think about doing than to actually do. Especially when you are seven and a half months pregnant and on an emotional roller coaster, sometimes its hard to not sweat the small stuff. Now the rational Jaime knows to just let it go, that the writing is on the wall, that people change and move on and that its time to just look past it. But the Jaime that really misses her friends, and misses the people who used to mean so much to her has a really hard time doing that.

I know I am lucky. I have friends who have survived cancer, who have overcome so many difficult obstacles, who are in places that they dont deserve to be in... and I have the greatest admiration and respect for those people for being who they are today. There isnt a day that goes by that I dont thank God for all that I have, and for bringing Shawn and I together and showing me what life is all about. I dont miss the parties and the clubs and the wild and crazy life... but I do miss having a girlfriend to call when I am sad or lonely or just need someone to be there for me. Shawn is wonderful, but not the person that I need when I am having a "girly moment."

This pregnancy, while a beautiful blessing and a gift, has brought me the greatest challenge that I have ever had to face. Not to mention losing the freedom of being able to do my job on the ambulance and being stuck in an office all day, possibly facing knee surgery, going to school full time and teaching almost full time hours on my days off. I am doing a lot and that makes me happy, but sometimes I get overwhelmed and just need a friend to talk to. I hate feeling like a burden to those around me when I need a pick-me-up. They say it takes a village to raise a child... and I think it takes a strong support system to go through pregnancy. So losing part of that support system at the time when I need them most has been incredibly devastating. And at the time in my life where I feel the least like myself I am forced to try and trust new people, something that I am very NOT good at after years of trusting the wrong people.

Last night I think was the lowest I have felt.... and the saddest I can remember being. It was like the wind was completely taken out of my sail... and I know I shouldnt let it bother me, shouldnt stress about things that I cant change... but I cant help it. I am a person, I have a heart, and it was absolutely broken by someone I thought was at least in some way a friend.

There is this person I have been friends with for years... and when I say years I mean since I had just turned 21. That person and I had seen each other through everything... and I thought was one of those friendships that is lifelong and lasting. Since December we have been growing apart, and on several occasions I have asked her if I had done something to upset her, or if there was something wrong. And each time I was told that she was just busy... and I chalked it up to me being hypersensitive due to hormones. Turns out I was wrong... and maybe the writing was on the wall then and I should have paid attention and avoided being hurt. But I didnt...

My friend Kevin was having a Super Bowl party and he asked it we wouldnt mind having it here, and I thought that would be a great idea.... so we invited some more people since there was now more room for people at my place. And everyone we invited called and wanted to know why I wasnt going to my friend's house for her party. Trivial I know... but the reason why I wasnt going was I knew nothing about it. I had so obviously not been invited that it was like a slap in the face. I just very calmly told people that I wasnt going because I wasnt invited, and no, I didnt know why... we hadnt had a fight that I knew of... but I understood if they went and didnt come here and to have fun. This person herself even sent me a text message and told me that she couldnt come, that she had other plans. I just sent her a text back that I knew... and for her to have fun.

I was absolutely crushed. And the rational Jaime tried to talk myself through it... to say you cant make people be your friend, and that if this is the way it is then thats life. I KNOW I have an amazing family, and amazing friends.... and I am so lucky and greatful for that. But there still isnt much you can to do prepare yourself for that knife in the heart, punch in the gut feeling that you get when you realize that you have lost someone who was very important to you. The rational part of me says call her, write her... figure out where it all went wrong because it is silly to throw away 6 years of friendship.... but I guess I am not the one throwing it all away. And I honestly dont think my heart can take anymore.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

Thank God for Shawn... for he is the one who shows me that I am better off without people like that in my life... and he can put his arms around me when I cry and tell me that it will all be okay and I have so much more now. And I know that I do and that I shouldnt cry and that I shouldnt be sad. But sometimes I just cant help it...