Reflections

As I was laying wide awake last night in bed because Madalyn has decided that late nights are her playtime, I had a lot of quiet time to think about all of the changes that have happened in my life over the past year. So much has happened, both good and bad... but looking back at everything I can only say how much stronger of a person that I have become because of it all.

A year ago I was single and absolutely loving life. If you had told me then I would be happily settled down now I would have laughed in your face. I was petrified to open up to anyone and to trust them with anything at all... then along came Shawn. Because we were friends first, I found myself able to share things with him that I hadnt been able to tell people before. We had fun together. It was easy to spend time with him, and there never was any drama... just this incredibly comfortable feeling. After a few months of casually dating we ended up one night at Los Margaritas... and that was the last time I was officially single.

That dinner changed everything. We both sat there and commented on how ridiculous it was that it had taken us so long to get to the point where were were ready to settle down. We laughed and shared our dreams and our hopes for the future... and while I had felt myself falling for him for some time, it was the first time that I was able to admit to myself that I loved him. It truly was one of the best nights of my life... and one I know I will never forget. From that point on I dont think we have spent a night apart that I wasnt at work.

Having a baby with him has been the greatest gift I have ever been given. I think that being pregnant with our daughter has saved my life. It has made me reevaluate my priorities and see what is important in life, and this pregnancy has challenged me in so many ways. Not only have I had to start learning what it will take to be a mother, I have had to adjust to my body not necessarily accepting all of the pregnancy hormones. For the first time in my life I am not always healthy and active and more often than not feel exhausted and sick. But every time she moves (even when she keeps me up all night long!) I am reminded that in just 12 weeks or less I will be able to hold our daughter and she will be here for real.

Being pregnant has changed who I am to everyone else as well. No longer am I the party Jaime that always plans the nights out or the dinners or the parties... but I am still the person that cares about those in my life. This experience has taught me that it is not quantity of friends that surround you that is whats important, but the quality. People whom I have always assumed would be there for me have dissappeared, but in their place have been people who have become more dear to me than anything. I never in my life expected so much would change for me once I became "settled down", but it really has. I think I had always assumed that the people in my life would just be there in a different way than a drinking buddy or party friend... and it has been hard to accept that in most cases this has not been true. But once the sadness cleared, I see all of these people who want to be a part of our lives, and who love Shawn and I and our daughter... and we are truly blessed to have that.

I had never pictured having to take time off of working on the road, and it was hard for me to admit that I had to see someone for my knee, knowing that it was probably the last day I would work on the road until after Madalyn was born. But maybe that was God's way of protecting me and my daughter... and if I had ignored it there is no telling what might have happened to either one of us due to me being too stubborn to admit it was safer to go on light duty. Having the possibility of knee surgery hanging over my head is not a comforting feeling... but it is much better than knowing that my stupid determination hurt myself or the baby.

I think of my life and all that I have, and I truly thank God for granting me the opportunity to become a wife and a mother. While there is some sadness as I remember the fun times that I used to have, there is no greater joy in the world then laying in bed with Shawn and him having his hand on my stomach and us being able to feel our daughter move inside of me. Nothing has ever made me happier than hearing him ask me to be his wife, or seeing the look on his face when we first saw our baby on ultrasound and learned that we were having a little girl. These are the moments that define our lives, and I am greatful for every second that I am allowed to live *this* life.